I have had my share of housemates, some that I loved and others that were less than desirable. I know that I am far from perfect when it comes to co-inhabiting, but these are just some traits that I really couldn’t really abide by in my home away from home.
The genuine psycho
You are totally fine, until I move in. Living together you are controlling, demanding and selfish, traits that I didn’t recognize before living with you. I leave the milk out once accidentally only to find that you have put it in my room. Apparently one of your forks goes missing so naturally I am the culprit. Punishment? You take away all cutlery so I am left to eat with my hands one night. Real events guys, I unfortunately lived with a psycho and I must say it was an eye opening experience in how not to behave.
The one who invites her parents for the week but doesn’t tell you.
You are now five people in a two bedroom apartment with one bathroom. Awkward.
The one that clogs the drain
This is not a new phenomenon, and yet it is a constant issue in any female orientated household. Strands of luscious locks constantly get caught in the bathroom plug and clog it up, thus leaving us swimming in a small puddle.
Matters could be worse, if your shower also doubles as a bath you could end up standing in a half full bath of dirty water. Added to the drama, the shampoo you are using is actually purple (somehow it is supposed to protect your blonde wispy hair) and you are now not only standing in a puddle of water, but this water happens to be bright purple.
Furthermore, your roommate had a shower right before you and her water hasn’t gone down the drain, leaving you standing in her murky mess as well. Also, please do not go putting strands of your mane on the shower door. I don’t particularly like my white colored walls plastered with the shreds of your blonde locks.
The sex addict
I understand sex is an important part of your relationship. On the other hand the ‘love of your life’ has just dumped you and you are on full rebound mode. Try and keep your moaning and groaning down. If I can hear you reach climax next door then it probably means that you should tone it down a notch. A genuine performance doesn’t have to be heard by everybody.
The one who’s boyfriend is perpetually there
I’m sorry did we get another roommate? Are we now dividing our rent into five? No? Right, then please vacate the premises. Mate, if you are at my house staying over using amenities and our water more than three nights of the week then I suggest you chip in or get lost. Don’t they say that absence makes the heart grow fonder? Furthermore if your boyfriend is any of the following; megalomaniac, socially awkward, mean, cheap, emotionally distant, or abnormal than please refrain from inviting him into the house.
The one that invites random people to sleep on the couch
We are not running a halfway house. A friend you haven’t seen in years’ brother’s friend doesn’t need to stay on our couch. Odd experience, coming home one night only to find some Greek man lying naked in our living room. He was my friend’s friend’s kind of boyfriend. A highly awkward experience for both him and I, and one that could have easily been avoided.
The bathroom hog
It is 8 am on a Monday morning and I need to be at work by 9. I need a shower and to do my makeup. Time is not of the essence, and if you are using the bathroom for an hour on a Monday morning than you are using it for too long. At times where the bathroom traffic is at its most heavy I suggest 20 minutes and no more.
The toilet paper thief
There are few greater miseries in life than that moment when you are using the toilet and go to retrieve some paper, only to find that there is none left. The toilet paper thief has not restocked and there are no tissues or paper towels to be seen. It is gross, unhygienic and incredibly uncomfortable. If you are a four paper at a time girl then please restock.
The passive aggressive note maker
We have spent a lovely breakfast together, chit chatting, gossiping about boys, jobs and other girls. Real housemate bonding kind of stuff. You leave for work, I go to my room only to find a passive aggressive note on my door. ‘I came home last night to find your dirty dishes in the sink. If you could please clean them up before I get home that would be great! We all need to do our bit, it just makes life so much easier’ xxxx 🙂
You were with me only two minutes before. If you have an issue say it to my face.
The habitual borrower
At first it’s a smidgen of butter, toothpaste or even some shampoo before you realize the toothpaste has run out, your butter has been entirely devoured and your hair products have utterly disappeared.
The one who doesn’t know how to switch off lights (or any electrical equipment to be exact).
Anyone sharing with four people in a dingy old Victorian house on the wrong end of town doesn’t have a lot of money to burn (pun intended). Poundland is a go-to, the reduced to clear section in Sainsbury’s is a godsend and an investment on a flimsy bike to save on expensive transportation is a must.
Forking out extra money on a pricey electricity bill because a housemate wants to ‘sleep with the lights on’ is frankly a pain, but also completely unfair. If you are scared of the dark get yourself a ruddy candle, or better still do what the other housemate does and find a spooning buddy for the night.